I came to realize that I do in fact crave for love. I am not craving for sex, I am craving for something else, something that touches your heart and scars your soul. I’m craving what I once had and lost.
It is not like I cannot find someone, I just cannot seem to find the right person. I feel unfit in this world, I feel unfit for love ; and the more time passes, the more I crave for it. I want the sweet love of novels, I want to dance under the moon and look at the stars.
Fact is, I hate how much this society idolize and romanticize toxic relationships, I hate how I went to see jealousy as a proof of love. I hate how damaging novels can be for younger people. I am grateful I was mature enough to see how bad the relationship in After is, but I hate how everyone romanticize it, and how young girls are exposed to this. I hate how I chose harmful behaviors and caused myself traumas for the sake of a guy. And most of all, I hate how I still choose to go for the toxic guys when given the chance. Rocky love makes you feel alive, even if the higher you fly the lower you fall. I hate how I still regret T. even though he has been my most damaging relationship, because I loved him more than I loved anyone else, and he made me feel more loved than anyone ever did.
I think I forgot what is love and lost myself in vanity, because in the end everything comes back to the same point : I want to feel loved. I want someone to make my heart race, and I want support, and to touch and feel someone. I want someone to love me to the moon and back, someone who makes me forget about my worries the very instant I talk to them. I don’t want to fight for others anymore, I don’t want to struggle and cry, I don’t want to lock myself into meaningless relations anymore. I want to settle my heart.
I don’t really know what makes us crave for love. Is it innate to human nature? To search for love and touch? Or is just society convincing us that we cannot live on our own and need someone else to complete us? Just as much as they convinced us that heterosexuality was the norm. In a world that privilege individuality, why is being in a relationship seen as such an accomplishment? In a civilisation on the verge of falling, in a dying world, marriage is still sanctified and divorce is seen as a failure. What are the criteria for a successful relationship? Is it really the length of it?
Maybe the point of love is not to last. Maybe it is only to comfort our soul and heal our wounds. Maybe it is not important at all.
Anyways.
I came to realize that I do in fact crave for love.
The problem with love, is that it is not an emotion, despite what we are told. One can almost say, "Love does not exist". Why so ? Because each one of us has its own definition, hence, shared love cannot work on the long term, especially if the expectation is about feeling high for ever.
So then ? True friendship with sex. Nothing like it.
Just saying.